Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”

UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.