Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

That’s Saturday nights plans ruined

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car