There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
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“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though