There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
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Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life