Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

I have a type: disappointing

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

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Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

Traveler’s camo

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over