Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.

Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

That seems a conundrum…
🤔

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)