Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

constantly working on myself.

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat