Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

[enter password]

“dog”

[password must be longer]

“dachshund”

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.