“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
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Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you