There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
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The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!