There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
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David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
see next tweet for some translations
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die