There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
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When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.