There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
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Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
AM I BEING GASLIT????
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
