There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
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They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Here to help
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention