There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
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IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym