There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
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I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.