There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
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One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
look scared
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!