There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.![]()
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Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
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when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*