There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
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Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
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3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.