There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
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Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life