There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
You Might Also Like
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
new wife guy just dropped
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I remember when things only cost an arm.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him