There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
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My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.