Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Super Bowl Halftime performance]

Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶

7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?

9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.

The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.

Don’t touch me.

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.