Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*eats only grass-fed donuts

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.

Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

It’s his time

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog