There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
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End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
wait a minute….
December birthdays be like…
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Dance like you’re not the father
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
wtf
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.