There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
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Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
i choose….tongue
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank