Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.