There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
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What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
🙁
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.