Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

deleting my mental health to focus on social media

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me

Therapist: That’s where I can help

Me: Great

Therapist: They don’t

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

Them: Just act casual
Me:

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.