Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…