Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.