there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
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I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
You know I’m something of a chef myself
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time