There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
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When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Breaking news:
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please