There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
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Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.