Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…