There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
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How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
The “baby” on the left….
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
What the hell happened here.
