There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
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I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.