There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
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My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Me, flirting😏
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.