There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
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Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””