Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

this is the best interaction on twitter

In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!

In my 40s : uh oh

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.

She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.

I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.

I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.