There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
