There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
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frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Check out the legs on this baby
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.