There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
You Might Also Like
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
i’m laughing very hard in real life
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I put the mess in domestic.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.