There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
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ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
how to market bottled water to dads
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?