There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
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panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
accurate
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.