There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
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*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
