Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

Guantanamo Bae

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.