There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Siri: Retweet me.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
