There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
