There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
