Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.