Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]

“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.

Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.

He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day

Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator