Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that