There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
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I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
mom had nothing to worry about
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.