Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

this post was so formative to me

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?

M: Can I wear my tiara?

H: I’d rather you not

M: Then no thanks

[husband leaves]

M: *whispers* works every time

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia