There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
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A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally