There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
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When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
when there are deer in the woods
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I mean…but I did
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*