There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
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Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Breaking news:
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
when you order from DoorDastardly
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Every Adele song is about lasagna.