There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
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Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
🥴😂
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
Rambo Rambow
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.