Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.

oh my god

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

“Theirye’re” problem solved