There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”
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tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends