There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
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My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
They’re on their honeymoon
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS