There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
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Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding