Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”

-Trumpsylvania, how about you?

“North Trumpkota”

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

God making man in his image was the original selfie

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?