There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Not today
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.