There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
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when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Somewhere in an alternate universe
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*