There’s always that one guy
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Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
crazy
