There’s always that one guy
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For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
pictures of spider-man
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
#TopTip
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.