There’s always that one guy
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If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
When can I start eating bats again.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.