There’s always that one guy
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I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
🔦🌙👣
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.