There’s always that one guy
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ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.