There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
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A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no