There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
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DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
sensitive skin
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”