“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
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Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.